Dear Dad.
Something new has been added: A tape recorder.
One of our guys stole it from the Tokyo PX.
He gave it to a nurse as a carnal bribe...
and then she gave it to Father Mulcahy...
in a gin-induced fit of remorse.
Father Mulcahy gave it to me...
because he didn't want anybody to think he was taping confessions.
Our program originates from the Swamp.
Which is the subject of a picture spread in next month's Toilet and Garden.
Not five feet away from me, I see Trapper John Mclntyre...
cutting his toenails.
He sells them to the tourists as war souvenirs.
Say hello, Trapper.
Hello, Trapper.
Isn't he clever?
He had the bolt in his neck tightened yesterday.
Speaking of which...
yesterday, that is...
we had what is known around the 4-0-double-7...
as a full, rich day.
It started out in triage.
That's the process of assigning the wounded medical priority...
who's hurt the worst, who's sicker than who.
- On the subject of sick, Frank Burns was in charge. - Move, move, move.
I share quarters with Frank...
- Frank and a family of roaches and a herd of silverfish. - Driver!
- Frank is the tall one. - Where's the driver?
I want the driver of this bus, chop-chop.
- What do you want the driver for? - I want to know what we got on this bus!
Migrant workers, Frank. They came to pick the lettuce crop.
Give this man a unit of whole blood.
He didn't make the ride. I can't find a tag.
This must be the Luxembourg lieutenant.
- Are you the driver of this bus? - Yes, sir.
I've ordered you not to wear dresses.
Oh, not till I get a psycho discharge, sir.
- Over my dead body. - Whatever you say, sir.
Where's your S-47 manifest and D-21 triplicate?
You should have given those to me immediately.
Sir, these men are hurt and bleeding.
Did you give them permission to bleed? Did they fill in their pain forms?
Oh, stuff it, you wagster!
- What about him? - Leave him. He can wait.
[Man Over P.A.] Pierce and Mclntyre report to O.R. Immediately.
Move it, sirs.
All yours, Frank.
Not too many decisions, now. You don't want to get a headache.
What have you got there?
- I said, what have you got there? - A sandwich case, Major.
- You want him back-up or belly-up? - [Man Shouting]
[Shouting In Foreign Language]
Turkish soldier, sir. I'm pretty nuts...
but this guy could open a crazy school.
[Turkish]
- Why wasn't this man sedated? - He was, sir.
They pumped a whole drugstore into his arm.
He's got a busted shoulder and a fanny full of lead...
but these Turks won't leave their buddies for nothing.
- [Shouts] - Right.
You want to take away that knife of his?
I'm not interested in mock heroism.
I'll settle for the real thing, sir.
Get him to pre-op! They'll sedate him!
Klinger, I want to see you out of that dress... tonight!
Never on a first date, sir.
Don't sneak down on me like that.
- I'm sorry, Major. - What happened to saluting, Corporal?
Beats me, sir. Have you seen the Luxembourg lieutenant?
Mclntyre says he's supposed to be on this bus, but I can't find anybody...
I don't care what Captain Mclntyre said. I have never cared.
And at this moment, I don't care twice as much as I never cared before!
Hey!
Excuse me.
I need some help.
I believe a salute is in order, Lieutenant.
- Uh, here's a salute for you, sir. - What's your outfit, buddy?
I'd appreciate some help right now.
I asked your outfit.
My sergeant, Sergeant Bryan, is in the back of the jeep.
He's badly hurt. I want you to take care of him immediately.
Look, Lieutenant, I know how difficult this war is.
It probably seems even worse to you people at the front.
Your Sergeant Bryan will be processed and taken care of in due course.
[Rifle Cocks]
Now.
Sir...
that's one of those new guns, can shoot 30 corporals a second.
I make the medical decisions around here, Lieutenant.
Decide.
Are you threatening me with that thing?
Yes, sir.
- Corporal? You're a witness. - Sir?
I sure wish I could go and report it, sir.
Just stay right here and keep an eye on this man.
I think Colonel Blake will have a little something to say about all this.
Hi.
Where does that door go?
That's the pre-op... p-preparation before operating.
All right. Get another man and take Sergeant Bryan in there.
Only surgical personnel can go in there, sir.
- Do it. - That's a great idea.
Why don't I just get a man and do just like you wanted me to?
[Hawkeye] You have no idea, Dad, what a calming effect...
Frank Burns has in pre-op.
Not unlike Dracula showing up at a blood bank.
Fortunately, we can, in times of stress...
always rely on Henry Blake's cool eloquence.
Will you hold your bladder, Frank?
I tell you, he threatened me with a gun!
It probably had no water in it, Frank.
- Is this the crazy Turk? - Yeah.
I gave him half a grain of morphine, sir.
Never mind about the crazy Turk. There's a crazy American out there.
Sorry, Frank. This is the crazy Turk hospital.
The crazy American hospital's on the other side of town. Get him on the table.
You just didn't read the guy right or something, Frank.
I mean, nobody walks in and sticks up a MASH unit at gunpoint.
- Bring him in. - Colonel...
- Who's the head man here? - Um, he is.
You rank this chicken lover?
Well, I'm the... I'm the senior officer.
Sir, my name is Smith. This is Sergeant Bryan.
He's one of the finest men alive, and we're going to keep him alive, right?
And he's gonna get top priority, right?
Now, look here, Lieutenant, uh...
- Smith. - That's right.
First thing you're gonna do, Smith, is put that gun down.
Guns have a way of going off, which is usually followed by...
parts of the body breaking away.
Why don't Lieutenant Smith and I have a talk outside?
- Okay. - Oh, no. Not till someone...
Meanwhile, your friend will be looked at by Colonel Blake and Major Chicken Lover.
Let's go, shall we?
You're just spreading germs in here.
Is that the guy, Frank?
Uh-huh.
- You smoke? - No.
Oh, good for you. The country's littered with butts as it is.
Turning South Korea into an ashtray.
- They call you Smitty? - Some.
They call me Hawkeye.
That's from The Last of the Mohicans...
the only book my father ever read.
Mother read all the time. That way she didn't have to talk to Father.
Uh, look, Smitty. I'm gonna have to go serious on you about this thing, okay?
Yes, sir.
We have a different perspective on war as a whole...
than I think is possible for you.
To a line officer with 30 or 40 guys' lives depending on them...
and with your life depending on them...
the war's not some big geopolitical conflict between nations and ideologies.
It's not just China and America sticking their tongues out at each other.
To you, there's maybe 30 or 40 guys in that high grass over there...
trying to kill me and my 30 or 40 guys.
- It's that concentrated. To you, that's the entire war. - I guess that's right.
But it's something else in our little heaven.
To us, the war is trying very hard to control chaos.
We're up to our bottoms in other people's bottoms here.
We can't afford the same kind of fierce personal loyalties...
that you and Sergeant Bryan feel for each other.
Can you understand that?
I sure can.
It's the size of the wound, who's bleeding the most buckets...
that we give priority to.
It's the only place I know where being the worst makes you the best.
Yeah. I sure can see what you mean.
I thought you would.
Now, get back in there and fix Sergeant Bryan...
or else, understand?
Perfectly.
- Number ten blade. - Number ten.
Aah! Frank! I don't mind you trying to make a soup bone out of my thumb...
but if we screw up on Sergeant Bryan here, the fella who's outside...
paying the bills might get very angry.
We wouldn't want his credit card to go off.
Giving in to that lieutenant is the height of cowardice.
Coming from you, that's a compliment.
Keep quiet, or we won't let you keep the deposit on the specimen bottles.
Let me see those X rays again, Mr. Kwang.
[Hawkeye] How's the mad Turk doing, Henry?
I could sell his left shoulder as a jigsaw puzzle.
Colonel!
- Frank, will you just... - Henry, your patient!
Oh, for Pete's sake.
All right, you. On your back.
Attaboy. Bomb him, will you, Mr. Kwang?
[Shouts]
What the hell is he saying?
- Why don't we all go to Berlitz and find out? - He's your patient! Get him!
Now, look, look.
I mean, nobody wants to hurt you, guy.
Keep it up, Henry. Lovely, Henry.
Just give me the needle, huh?
Just give me the...
- [All Gasping] - [Henry] Guard! Mayday!
- Mayday! - 99, 98...
97...
Good night, sweet prince.
Are you feeling better, sir?
I dreamt I was home.
Sunday morning. Lorraine and me in bed.
All of us: The kids, the dog...
the Sunday papers.
You can never put that dog next to any papers.
- Uh, yes, sir. - Where's the Turk, Radar? Did we get him?
Oh, not yet, sir. We're combing the entire area.
Fool could have killed me.
I get the wrong kind of shot, I turn blue and curl up in a ball.
There's someone waiting to see you, sir.
I was born with someone waiting to see me.
[Radar] Right in here, sir.
Lt. Colonel Blake, I am Colonel Blanche...
commander of the Luxembourg contingent to the U.N. Forces in Korea.
Well, this is a privilege.
I've met many of our allies over here, sir...
but you're the first, um, um...
Luxembourger.
One of my men, Lt. Henri Batiste LeClerq...
he was wounded and brought to your unit today.
Well, I'm sure he's getting the very best care we can give him, Colonel.
- Uh, sir? - Hmm?
- That won't be necessary. - Of course it's necessary.
- What are you talking about? - Lieutenant LeClerq sort of, um...
died, sir.
Oh? Oh, I'm sorry.
Those are the fortunes of war.
Are you dead sure, Radar?
I mean...
Well, we think that he more or less had passed on...
when he was brought in on the bus.
You will understand, Colonel Blake...
that it is of the utmost importance to our small nation...
that I recover the body for appropriate military honors.
Yes, sir. We'll have that body for you...
before you can say "Jacques Robinson." Radar?
Well...
Now, sir, the thing is that we've sort of, um...
misplaced him, sir... lost him, you might say.
We've lost him?
And that, sir, is not at all...
one of the fortunes of war.
I will not leave here without him.
- I want this camp turned upside-down. - I'll have the place turned upside-down.
- I'll find him; I promise. - There'll be no not finding him.
Clear?
He'll find him. We lose 'em all the time.
You still there, Dad?
I am, most unfortunately, still here.
I wrote a letter to General MacArthur last week...
suggesting the war be declared a draw.
He sent me back an autographed picture of himself...
wading ashore at the Philippines.
Right now, my manservant Trapper is mixing me a martini.
He makes them beautifully.
He made me an especially dry one last night, but it blew away.
Your recipe is four to one, is it not?
[Mock British Accent] Five to one, actually.
Uh, five parts gin and one moment's silence for the vermouth.
Thank you. I'm sure our listeners found that boring...
without actually being interesting at all.
- No trouble. - Getting back to yesterday, Dad...
Trapper and Frank Burns worked on Sergeant Bryan...
with a devotion unmatched since Dr. Mudd worked on John Wilkes Booth.
- Clamp, clamp, clamp. - How's he doing? Okay?
Okay. Clamp.
[Hawkeye] Lt. Smith sat in on the session with his E-flat alto carbine.
At one point, Corporal O'Reilly came scurrying along...
on his two little feet, which incidentally is also his height.
Sir! Sir?
- I found him! - Found who, Radar? Mr. Right? Who?
The Turkish soldier! I need help!
- Ask Colonel Blake. - He keeps, uh, falling asleep.
- How can you tell? - I'll get your bag.
- Where is the Turk, Radar? - He's hiding in the kitchen.
If he eats any of our food, our problems may be over.
Uh, hello?
Now, look, fella. I realize that to you, the war's not just...
some geopolitical conflict of nations and ideologies.
- [Shouts] - [Radar Gasps]
That's twice that didn't work.
I don't think he speaks any English.
If he understands fear, we're in business.
The U.N. Puts out this Turkish dictionary.
Well, they're certainly gonna get my Christmas card business.
- Look up, uh... - Cinli!
Cinli... that's good. Look that up.
Look under-under "ch" for Cinli.
Cinli!
Hurry up, Radar, before his eyeballs explode.
- Chinese! It means Chinese! - Chinese!
- [Turkish] - He certainly doesn't seem too crazy about you-know-whats.
- Yeah. - I got an idea.
Whatever it is, I love it.
Momentito.
- Cinli! - Cinli!
- [Foreign Language] - [Gibberish]
I think he just wants to get back to his outfit so he can kill more Chinese.
Chinese!
Cinli! And that's just what we're gonna let him do.
- But his shoulder... He needs attention! - Don't argue, Radar!
- [Shouts] - [Shouts]
He needs clothes.
- Right. - Give him yours.
- Huh? - Get undressed, Radar, fast...
or I'll pull you right out of your boots!
I send you... back to front.
[Making Artillery Sounds]
- In a jeep. - Jeep?
So you can... all the Cinli you want...
to your Turkish delight.
Okay?
- Okay. - [Cleaver Clatters]
Good Joe.
Damn good Joe.
Get undressed, Radar.
I'm sorry there's no band.
[Frank] Come on, Lieutenant. I can't see anything.
- [Trapper] Lap sponge. - [Nurse Able] Lap Sponge.
- Rats! - Watch it, Frank.
- [Smith] What did he do? - Nothing! Mm!
Don't sweat, Lieutenant. That's what he usually does around here.
No slipups, understand?
Hey, look, pal. It's hard enough playing cat's cradle with someone's guts.
You don't make it any easier standing there with that coffee grinder.
- This isn't the Old West, you know. - Just keep working.
Boy, you guys at the front... You think you own the war.
Well, it's not easy back here, you know...
the noise, the pressure.
I'd like to see how tough you'd be if you didn't have to be so brave.
Hey, Frank, you're sucking around for a blast of friendly gunfire.
[Trapper] Frank, let's get ready to close. I'll clean him up.
- Okay. - Can we have a little irrigation?
You sirs seen a body in here should be somewhere else?
Yeah, Klinger: Mine.
- Suture. - Suture.
Boy, if this doesn't take the cake.
Sending a wounded man back to the front in my clothes...
and toasting it with prune juice.
Radar, in my bag, right on top...
is a brown bottle with clear liquid.
Nice, clear liquid.
Put some in our friend here's juice.
And you jeep him out of camp, but you won't get more than half a mile...
- before he falls asleep, and bang-o. - Bang-o!
Right. And you drive him right back here...
and we put him in the shop for some body work.
Ready, Skippy?
- Here's to chloryl hydrate. - Chloryl hydrate. Okay?
You bet your mustache.
- Frank, would you do me a favor? - Sure.
Next time we work together, let's do it apart.
- Love your toga, Radar. - Just nobody say nothing to me.
Corner of 57 th Street and the war, and step on it.
I've had this place turned upside-out.
I can't understand it.
- Did you see that? - Just my corporal riding around in a sheet, sir.
There's so little for the men to do.
- That was my jeep. He has stolen it. - Oh, I don't think so.
It's not like Radar to steal anything without asking.
Colonel, I'll get the jeep back. Don't worry.
But as for Lt. LeClerq, since we can't seem to locate him...
maybe we could perform a brief ceremony honoring his loss.
That is, your losing him, not our losing him.
That is very thoughtful.
Well, I think it's the very "lost" we can do.
Hey, look, pal, It's been a well-rounded day of insanity...
to which your contribution is no longer welcome.
So you can knock off the heroics and drop the fowling piece.
And I'd lay off watching those movies where the hero always says...
"Hey, take my buddy first. He's hurt worse than me, Doc."
Right? Wrong.
It's his chest and shoulder.
Recruiting office got their money's worth out of this guy.
- Let's prep him. - And you can remove my foot from my mouth.
It's about a size 12-ectomy.
Corpsman!
Three-oh silk on a Keith needle.
[Man Over P.A.] Attention. All available personnel...
will assemble in the compound...
for a memorial tribute personally conducted by Colonel Henry Blake.
Finish closing, my dear. We'll split the fee.
Lost but not least...
I mean, uh, last but not lost, the...
Oh, boy.
This command salutes the gallant spirit...
if not the actual body of Lt. Henry Batiste LeClerq.
Tony, hit it.
##[Piano Over P.A.]
[Man Over P.A.] The national anthem of Luxembourg.
##[Piano Continues]
##[Continues]
LeClerq!
[Gasps]
##[Continues]
I thought you said he was dead.
He got better.
[Hawkeye] He never could handle his prune juice.
- Dennis, Igor, give me a hand. - [Turkish]
- Okay? - No okay. You hold it just one second.
You're gonna stay here. I got to fix you up. I fix you.
- You sick. You got that? - Damn good Joe.
Okay?
- Hey, wait! - Where are you going?
[Both Shouting]
- Hey! - Hey!
Yeah, well, that's how it is: You lose a few and you lose a few.
- ##[Ukulele] - This is almost all run out, Dad, so...
before it's over, I thought you might like to hear from some of the guys here.
Trapper, want to say hello to my dad?
Hello, Dad. Your son's no good.
Thank you, Trapper. This is my other bunkie, Dad: Frank Burns.
Oh, I know. And then that thing squirts water in my face.
That's Frank Burns, Dad, all over.
- [Snoring] - Radar?
Would you like to, uh, snore something for my father?
[Snoring]
Thank you, Radar O'Reilly.
And the ever-lovely Henry Blake.
Um, Mr. Pierce, sir...
I'd be mighty grateful if you'd call my wife, Lorraine Blake...
in Bloomington, Illinois.
- Thank you, Henry. - And ask her to send some new shorts.
Okay.
Well, it's, uh...
It's just about all over, Dad.
Good-bye, [Sighs]
And, uh...
hope I see you soon.